Three Years of Grace...

The moments of our days oftentimes pass unnoticed as we meet our daily demands. Once the day is finished they are seemingly lost in a sea of forgetfulness. But there are those precise and determined ones that will never be forgotten, when life seemingly stood still. Ours happened three years ago today when we were awakened out of a sound sleep to a phone call telling us our youngest son had taken his life.

Remembering happier times...

I’ve reflected back over these last 3 years and hunted for moments of His grace, determined to find His redeeming power. They are there, you know.... scattered among the pathway of our darkest trials, even though it's sometimes hard to see them in the canyon of our grief. God has promised to take those dark moments and redeem them into something for our good and His glory. (Romans 8:28-30) Living in the knowledge of this promise has given continued hope to face each new day and the moments that are ahead.

 I feel as if I have been a 'slow learner' at times. I've stumbled and lived grief imperfectly.  But His faithfulness has been a constant thread ...  and I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that He has been my nearest companion.

The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms. Deuteronomy 33:27 ESV

Mom and KJ at the county fair where he showed his goats.

Today, as I look back, I see the skillfulness of the master Weaver's tapestry. By His grace, He has woven those dark moments alongside lighter and more brilliant colors. The dark threads remain and we live with the remembrance of them daily. But, the contrast has caused the darker threads to take on a new meaning just as they do in the finished work of a woven cloth. Many of those lighter colors display the redeeming power of His grace as He met us in our weakness.

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” 
2 Corinthians 12:8 ESV

Brothers

Each new thread of grace shines bright the love of God and His nearness to us through a heartbreaking season of our lives.

Brother and sister enjoying the baby goats he helped deliver.

So today,  I look again in hope to my Savior's caring face, with all the unanswered questions, doubts and fears and

by His grace…

declare again…

in THIS moment…

that I WILL rejoice IN the LORD

Not for what happened

but

that in the midst of great sorrow and grief

He has remained faithful 

and has given His grace to sustain and strengthen us!


~~~

… yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. 
Habakkuk 3:18 NIV

Beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
Isa. 61:3 NKJV

~~~


Still… I will praise You! 


Your presence was constant, Your Word remained true.
The gentleness of your ways, color the future a soft hue.
Though dark times are woven into the tapestry called life,
Still I will praise you, hope glistens bright.

Still I will praise you, when all may seem lost,
When death or sickness or ruin onslaught.
Your grace has upheld, in my weakness made strong
Remembering life on earth is temporary, not long.

If not now, in this hard place, then when praise your name?
If not in this moment, promoting your fame.
Then when, dear Savior,will the time be right?
Redeeming the grief, your grace shines bright.

So today in this moment, today at this time.
I lift my voice to heaven, making your glory prime.
For you have been my Shepherd, through the darkness and light,
Your comfort and presence have put despair to flight.

Still  … I will praise you!

 by  Georgene
January 19, 2014 

The Second Year

Lord, I have looked for answers in Your Word these past two years since my son passed away. You have given tremendous comfort and help. I will praise you for it until my last breath! I pray Heavenly Father for every person reading the following words that they would be encouraged to turn to your Word to find comfort, peace and help in their time of need. You will not disappoint. You are God and our hope is found in no one else except your Son Jesus Christ and it's in His name I pray!  Amen.

As Christians we are taught that God never leaves us. But, it's not until you are hit with some of life's hardest trials that you realize these Truths found in God's Word are the only safe anchor you can hold onto in the storms of life.  

"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

God's Word is LIVING and POWERFUL and able to discern the thoughts and intentions of our hearts. No counselor or psychiatrist can claim that promise.

The word of God is ...

~ LIVING
~ POWERFUL
~ JUDGES the thoughts 
~ JUDGES the purposes of the heart
~ BREATHED OUT BY GOD
~ PROFITABLE for teaching
~ PROFITABLE for training in righteousness
~ PROFITABLE for reproof
~ a LAMP to my feet
~ a LIGHT to my path
~ Written for our INSTRUCTION
~ Will NEVER PASS AWAY 
~ The Word of God is JESUS!!!


I've depended on God's Word as much, if not more, this past year than the previous one. There have been several times when I let my guard down and I did not keep a close watch over my thoughts. Each of those times was a sure path to darkness. I need God's grace each and every day to think on things that are TRUE and to cast down those imaginations that are not. 
(2 Corinthians 10:5, Philippians 4:8)

 YOUR word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105 ESV


I think of the above scripture often and picture a lamp being lit in a jet black dark room. That dark room reminds me of the depression that tried to cling to me after my son's death. As I hold the lamp close the light shines in front of my feet and I'm able to see which way to go. It warns me of the pitfalls and the places I might stumble. It makes my way easier to see. I take one step and then another always keeping my eyes focused on the path where the light is shining. That is what God's Word has done for me these past 2 years. When my way seemed dreadfully dark and I felt as if I couldn't see the next step then His Word lit a path for my feet. Oh how I love His Word! 

How grateful I am for friends who know God's Word and have ministered to me over the past 2 years. I've also made several new friends who have lost children to suicide. We are able to understand each others situation but it’s Jesus who knows my heart. He sympathizes with my weaknesses. He is a man acquainted with grief and sorrows. He can minister to me through His Word at a level that no one else can for He knows my thoughts even before I do. How clear this has become the past two years. When I've felt that I was drowning in regret or guilt and the enemy’s accusations seemed more than I could bare it was God's Word that spoke to my heart. Wonderful, sweet peace. 

You see, today is the 2nd year since my youngest son passed away. Although the knowledge that he is gone is with me daily... today I find myself reflecting on this past year and all God has ministered to me. 

The intensity of the waves of grief have lessened but still there are those times that will sideswipe from out of nowhere. A song or memory can spark such intense emotions. I wish I could say that I've reached that point where my mind immediately thinks of happy times when I think of my son. I've heard people say that they do reach this point. I'm working on it. I practice it. But, the first thoughts are normally ones of deep sadness. Sadness that he chose to leave this world, sadness that he chose to leave those who loved him.

As I think back over this past year the beauty of God’s Word dominates above the sadness and I've experienced the power it has to bring hope and peace. This life is unpredictable and we never know what a day holds but there is one thing that is unchanging and that is God's Word. Through it I have continued to learn more about my God, my beloved Jesus and His love that endures forever. 






Hebrews 4:12, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Psalm 119:105, Romans 15:4, Mark 13:31, John 1:1

Choosing to SEE

The holidays can be difficult for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. I am learning again that I must keep tight reign on my thoughts. Otherwise, the enemy gets a foothold. I wrote out scriptures again and placed them where they were easily accessible so that when my mind is bombarded with thoughts of shame, doubt or depression I can run to the sword of the Word and do battle!

I've been slowly reading through Mary Beth Chapman's (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife) book called Choosing to See. Her older son accidentally ran over their younger daughter and killed her in the driveway of their home. I kept noticing this book in the stores but I didn't think I could handle reading about their extreme sadness and loss. Finally I saw it at a thrift store for a dollar so I bought it. I had to skip through some of the pages. I just couldn't bare it. But, I have gained some valuable nuggets as I've watched this godly family work through their grief.

I don't necessarily understand or agree with every method used in their process of grieving. They are human--just as I am--and none of us 'do life' perfectly. 

Here are a just a few quotes from her book that blessed me:

I think I am realizing something through all of the craziness. Yes, God wants my quiet, and yes, God wants me to rest and hear Him and learn from Him.  But all along, in the crazy last two weeks where I hardly had time to think, I realized that if I always think that I am going to finally get to that place where I am constantly trying to get--like in a quiet, picked-up house--then I am wrong. 

I need to choose to SEE Christ in every birthday party I drive to, every piano lesson that gets taught, every ballet tutu that gets twirled. God is with me.  He isn't waiting until I die for me to be with Him.  He isn't waiting until BB season is over or until I get completely healthy.  He SEES me now.  He is with me now.  I know this is a simple realization, but it was big good news to me. 

I don't want to forget... I want to remember.. God was with Maria on May 21 and God is with Mary Beth on March 10.

I have found that even during those times when the path is darkest, He leaves little bits of evidence all along the way --bread crumbs of grace--that can give me what I need to take the next step. But I can only find them if I choose to SEE. 

May we all CHOOSE TO SEE that God is absolutely with us .. each and every day... and especially through this holiday season.