The Second Year

Lord, I have looked for answers in Your Word these past two years since my son passed away. You have given tremendous comfort and help. I will praise you for it until my last breath! I pray Heavenly Father for every person reading the following words that they would be encouraged to turn to your Word to find comfort, peace and help in their time of need. You will not disappoint. You are God and our hope is found in no one else except your Son Jesus Christ and it's in His name I pray!  Amen.

As Christians we are taught that God never leaves us. But, it's not until you are hit with some of life's hardest trials that you realize these Truths found in God's Word are the only safe anchor you can hold onto in the storms of life.  

"I will never leave you nor forsake you." Hebrews 13:5

God's Word is LIVING and POWERFUL and able to discern the thoughts and intentions of our hearts. No counselor or psychiatrist can claim that promise.

The word of God is ...

~ LIVING
~ POWERFUL
~ JUDGES the thoughts 
~ JUDGES the purposes of the heart
~ BREATHED OUT BY GOD
~ PROFITABLE for teaching
~ PROFITABLE for training in righteousness
~ PROFITABLE for reproof
~ a LAMP to my feet
~ a LIGHT to my path
~ Written for our INSTRUCTION
~ Will NEVER PASS AWAY 
~ The Word of God is JESUS!!!


I've depended on God's Word as much, if not more, this past year than the previous one. There have been several times when I let my guard down and I did not keep a close watch over my thoughts. Each of those times was a sure path to darkness. I need God's grace each and every day to think on things that are TRUE and to cast down those imaginations that are not. 
(2 Corinthians 10:5, Philippians 4:8)

 YOUR word is a lamp to my feet and a light to my path. Psalm 119:105 ESV


I think of the above scripture often and picture a lamp being lit in a jet black dark room. That dark room reminds me of the depression that tried to cling to me after my son's death. As I hold the lamp close the light shines in front of my feet and I'm able to see which way to go. It warns me of the pitfalls and the places I might stumble. It makes my way easier to see. I take one step and then another always keeping my eyes focused on the path where the light is shining. That is what God's Word has done for me these past 2 years. When my way seemed dreadfully dark and I felt as if I couldn't see the next step then His Word lit a path for my feet. Oh how I love His Word! 

How grateful I am for friends who know God's Word and have ministered to me over the past 2 years. I've also made several new friends who have lost children to suicide. We are able to understand each others situation but it’s Jesus who knows my heart. He sympathizes with my weaknesses. He is a man acquainted with grief and sorrows. He can minister to me through His Word at a level that no one else can for He knows my thoughts even before I do. How clear this has become the past two years. When I've felt that I was drowning in regret or guilt and the enemy’s accusations seemed more than I could bare it was God's Word that spoke to my heart. Wonderful, sweet peace. 

You see, today is the 2nd year since my youngest son passed away. Although the knowledge that he is gone is with me daily... today I find myself reflecting on this past year and all God has ministered to me. 

The intensity of the waves of grief have lessened but still there are those times that will sideswipe from out of nowhere. A song or memory can spark such intense emotions. I wish I could say that I've reached that point where my mind immediately thinks of happy times when I think of my son. I've heard people say that they do reach this point. I'm working on it. I practice it. But, the first thoughts are normally ones of deep sadness. Sadness that he chose to leave this world, sadness that he chose to leave those who loved him.

As I think back over this past year the beauty of God’s Word dominates above the sadness and I've experienced the power it has to bring hope and peace. This life is unpredictable and we never know what a day holds but there is one thing that is unchanging and that is God's Word. Through it I have continued to learn more about my God, my beloved Jesus and His love that endures forever. 






Hebrews 4:12, 2 Timothy 3:16-17, Psalm 119:105, Romans 15:4, Mark 13:31, John 1:1

Choosing to SEE

The holidays can be difficult for those who have lost a loved one to suicide. I am learning again that I must keep tight reign on my thoughts. Otherwise, the enemy gets a foothold. I wrote out scriptures again and placed them where they were easily accessible so that when my mind is bombarded with thoughts of shame, doubt or depression I can run to the sword of the Word and do battle!

I've been slowly reading through Mary Beth Chapman's (Steven Curtis Chapman's wife) book called Choosing to See. Her older son accidentally ran over their younger daughter and killed her in the driveway of their home. I kept noticing this book in the stores but I didn't think I could handle reading about their extreme sadness and loss. Finally I saw it at a thrift store for a dollar so I bought it. I had to skip through some of the pages. I just couldn't bare it. But, I have gained some valuable nuggets as I've watched this godly family work through their grief.

I don't necessarily understand or agree with every method used in their process of grieving. They are human--just as I am--and none of us 'do life' perfectly. 

Here are a just a few quotes from her book that blessed me:

I think I am realizing something through all of the craziness. Yes, God wants my quiet, and yes, God wants me to rest and hear Him and learn from Him.  But all along, in the crazy last two weeks where I hardly had time to think, I realized that if I always think that I am going to finally get to that place where I am constantly trying to get--like in a quiet, picked-up house--then I am wrong. 

I need to choose to SEE Christ in every birthday party I drive to, every piano lesson that gets taught, every ballet tutu that gets twirled. God is with me.  He isn't waiting until I die for me to be with Him.  He isn't waiting until BB season is over or until I get completely healthy.  He SEES me now.  He is with me now.  I know this is a simple realization, but it was big good news to me. 

I don't want to forget... I want to remember.. God was with Maria on May 21 and God is with Mary Beth on March 10.

I have found that even during those times when the path is darkest, He leaves little bits of evidence all along the way --bread crumbs of grace--that can give me what I need to take the next step. But I can only find them if I choose to SEE. 

May we all CHOOSE TO SEE that God is absolutely with us .. each and every day... and especially through this holiday season.

"With Hope"

Birthdays

Today my youngest son would have been 33 years old.

Time may heal a lot of things but I don't believe it will ever take away the sadness I feel when I think of him.   Life has marched forward. The busyness of the round of daily duties fills in the moments but a day never passes that I don't think of him... and my heart continues to grieve... for the dreams that were lost. 

 

Yet..

 in the midst of the grief... 

God continues to bless in so many ways

~He has given a greater appreciation 

and thankfulness for loved ones who remain.

 

~He continues to teach me how to battle

 the accusations and lies of the enemy 

with His Truth. 

~ He has given me a greater understanding

of the Gospel. 

~He has loosened my hold 

on this earth a little more.

~He has given a greater anticipation

 for heaven. 

Yes, life has changed but God keeps His promises.. to never leave or forsake us.. to comfort us in our sorrow... and to give grace in our time of need.

And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Behold, the dwelling place of God is with man. He will dwell with them, and they will be his people, and God himself will be with them as their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. Revelation 21:3,4

 

In Acceptance Lieth Peace....

He said, "I will forget the dying faces;
The empty places—
They shall be filled again;
O voices mourning deep within me, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in forgetting lieth peace. 

He said, "I will crowd action upon action,
The strife of faction
Shall stir my spirit to flame;
O tears that drown the fire of manhood, cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in endeavour lieth peace. 

He said, "I will withdraw me and be quiet,
Why meddle in life's riot?
Shut be my door to pain.
Desire, thou dost befool me, thou shalt cease."
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in aloofness lieth peace.

He said, "I will submit; I am defeated;
God hath depleted
My life of its rich gain.
O futile murmurings; why will ye not cease?"
Vain, vain the word; vain, vain:
Not in submission lieth peace. 

He said, "I will accept the breaking sorrow
Which God to-morrow
Will to His son explain."
Then did the turmoil deep within him cease.
Not vain the word, not vain;
For in acceptance lieth peace.

Amy Carmichael

A Prayer for those Left Behind after Suicide

April 19, 2013 by Paul Tautges 

God of all comfort, who comforts your children in times of affliction, comfort those who are grieving in their time of extreme loss. Minister to the indescribable pain that gnaws at their heart every moment of every day; help them to remember Jesus and His indescribable suffering so that they will run to Him as the faithful and compassionate High Priest for every sinner who turns to Him in repentant faith.

God of peace, govern their hearts in this time of great confusion. Help them to take their thousand questions and “what ifs,” which swirl furiously in their minds, to Jesus, the Prince of Peace who has the power to calm the storm. As the Holy Spirit helps them take their anxieties to you in prayer, flood their souls with the peace that passes all understanding. When they cannot pray—when their hearts and minds are so overtaken by grief that they cannot find a word—remind them that the Holy Spirit prays for true believers when they do not know how to pray.

God of justice and righteousness, steady their minds with the understanding that you know all things, which includes the final state of their loved one’s soul. Let them not place blame upon themselves that does not rightfully belong to them. Remind them that the Judge of all the earth always judges righteously. Let them rest in this. Let them now concentrate on the state of their own soul before their holy Creator and quickly run to Christ as the Redeemer who came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance. May they find the assurance of their own salvation, and eternal life, which you promise to those who turn to Jesus Christ.

God of mercy and grace, may they know your presence as you walk with them through this valley of death. May they know—in an experiential, not merely intellectual way—the sufficiency of your grace! Help them to rest in the truth that they do not need to try to live off of yesterday’s supply, but instead drink from the fresh stream of your mercies that are new this very morning.

God of truth, gently lead them to the green pastures of your Word where they will feed their hurting, doubting souls upon all your righteous judgments and faithful promises. Lead them to streams of living water, which flow from Christ who said “the water that I will give him shall never thirst; but the water that I will give him will become in him a well of water springing up to eternal life.”

Heavenly Father, knowing that every one of these requests can only be answered in and through and because of Jesus, draw them close to the Savior who invites them to let Him carry their burden. Hold them close in your loving arms. Cause them to know you more deeply as the Father of mercies and God of all comfort so that their every need will be fully met and they—in time—will become ministers of comfort to others.

[Based on 2 Corinthians 1:3-6; Hebrews 4:15; 1 Thessalonians 5:23; Isaiah 9:6; Philippians 4:6-8; Romans 8:26; Mark 7:37; Daniel 4:37; Psalm 67:4; Luke 5:30; ; 1 John 5:11-13; Psalm 23:4; 2 Corinthians 12:9; Lamentations 3:21-23; Psalm 23:2; 119:7; John 4:14; 2 Corinthians 1:20; Matthew 11:28-30.]

Counseling One Another 

  In all this 

Job did not sin

 or charge 

God with wrong. 

Job 1:22 ESV