Grief, guilt & the Gospel

The months following my son’s death were like a roller coaster ride. Not the kind of ride you experience at a kiddy park but the horrific ones where you are hurled in one direction and then another and fear that your heart won't survive until the end of the ride. I had stretches of time where I was riding on the waves of God’s grace and His peace would fill my heart through His Word. But, as the months progressed, I found myself slipping from those grace filled moments and plunged into a dark, dark pit of depression as a result of unrelenting guilt and tormenting thoughts. I have never lost a child to suicide so I have no idea what the ‘norm’ may be but I do know that the thoughts and meditations of my heart were responsible for a lot of unnecessary pain. 

Brothers, we do not want you to be ignorant about those who fall asleep, or to grieve like the rest of men, who have no hope.1 Thess. 4:13

The grief I experienced in the early months following my son's death was not this kind of grief… the kind filled with hope.  I can look back now and see that the enemy of my soul was at work full time in my thought life and I, oftentimes, laid down my spiritual weapons and allowed him to plummet me with his accusations and tormenting thoughts.

It’s not as if I didn’t know better. I’ve been studying God’s Word for a very long time and had hid a great deal of scripture in my heart. I would have thought I was prepared (by God’s grace) for anything. But, in the midst of the battle, I let my guard down and  did not obey God’s Word. I allowed Satan to get a foothold in my thoughts. 

The biggest torment were the accusing thoughts of shame and guilt. Questions were hurled at me like: Why didn't he call me for help?  Was I a bad mother? Is this why my son killed himself? Would he still be here today if I had done things differently? It seemed that the only thoughts I remembered were my failures. Worry and fretting became the response to the guilt and then the depression came. My thoughts were filled with accusations. Remember that Satan is rightly called ‘The Accuser’ in scripture.

And I heard a loud voice in heaven, saying, “Now the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God and the authority of his Christ have come, for the accuser of our brothers has been thrown down, who accuses them day and night before our God. Revelation 12:10
    Were there times when I had sinned against my son? Yes! Was I a perfect parent? By no means. Did I try to be the best parent I could be? Honestly- yes! Yet even my best efforts as a parent were done imperfectly. Instead of looking to Christ, who paid for those sins and the punishment they deserved … I continued to look at myself. I became the judge, jury and prosecutor when God alone was the only One qualified. His solution, found in the life and death and resurrection of His Son Jesus Christ, was no where in the equation. I was stuck gazing at my failures as a mother. I had lost the hope and peace found in Christ alone. 

I was blessed that several godly souls began exhorting me to take my thoughts captive in the fight against the tormenting guilt. (2 Cor. 10:5) I was reminded to 'put off' the ungodly thoughts and to renew my mind in what God's Word says. (Eph. 4:22-24) Not halfheartedly but to get serious! Then to 'put on' thoughts of who I was in Christ. I had been holding onto many promises in God’s Word since the first day we heard the news but when the guilt would come I oftentimes sat like an accused, hopeless man on death row... feeling as if I deserved the punishment.

So, I sat down and collected a list of Scriptures that would renew my mind in who God said I was. This is only part of the list I used but it will give you an idea.

I am God’s child. (John 1:12)
I belong to God. (1 Cor. 6:20)
I am Christ’s friend. (John 15:15)
I am holy and blameless in Christ. (Ephesians 1:4)
I am a member of God’s household. (Eph. 2:19)
I am set free in Christ from the law of sin and death. (Romans 8:2, John 8:32)
I am a new creation in Christ Jesus. (2 Cor. 5:17).
  When the enemy (or my conscience) would hurl the accusations of things I had done (or not done), I would confess them (if I had not already) as sin (if they were), ask God’s forgiveness and then I would remind myself that I had been forgiven by what Christ did on the cross, his death and his resurrection. I would then IMMEDIATELY go to the scripture list I had placed above my kitchen sink and start reading the scriptures to myself .. sometimes even out loud. I had to be consistent and I had to do this IMMEDIATELY at the first thought and not allow the enemy to gain any ground in my thought life.

The gospel and God’s Word became my life line…. literally.

As the days went by the torment became less and less and within less than a week I was set free from the depression that was a result of the guilt that was not handled biblically. The thoughts slowed down to a place where they only occasionally pop up in my conscience now.

The grief still comes … but I watch very closely over my thoughts and do not allow myself to entertain anything that is contrary to who God says I am ‘in Christ’.  I still grieve for the loss of my son but have realized there is a difference in a godly grief that brings glory to God and one that allows sinful thoughts to steal the peace found with God through Christ Jesus. 

We often treat the gospel as if it only pertains to our salvation. But, over the past several years, I continue to learn how the gospel relates to every area of my Christian walk and how life changing it is to preach the gospel to myself daily.

For I delivered to you as of first importance what I also received: that Christ died for our sins in accordance with the Scriptures, that he was buried, that he was raised on the third day in accordance with the Scriptures, (1 Corinthians 15:3-4)


Scriptures taken from the ESV Bible.